Set Boundaries, Find Peace

I struggle to set healthy boundaries sometimes, so this year I decided to be intentional about armouring myself with the right knowledge on setting healthy boundaries, and one way I'm going about this is through reading books. There's thousands out there on the topic but after some research I was led to Nedra Glover Tawwab's book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace - a guide to reclaiming yourself.

Nedra is a licensed counsellor and one of the most influential therapists on Instagram, I've certainly enjoyed her content on social media, she posts excellent provocative relatable content - I love it. If you can't tell, I'm a huge fan. Aside from that, she's also #hairgoals and has an amazing afro - so good!🖤

Ok, I'm done with the geeking, here are some nuggets I've learnt about boundaries from the book so far. Firstly, Nedra says;

a boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you.

There are three levels of boundaries; porous, rigid and healthy.

Porous boundaries - "are weak, poorly expressed and unintentionally harmful. They lead to feeling depleted, overextending yourself, depression, anxiety and unhealthy relationship dynamics". Examples include; saying yes even when it's detrimental to you, being a people pleaser who's measure of self-worth is dependent on feedback from others, accepting mistreatment and being fearful of rejection so you help even when it's not healthy for you, i.e., helping because you feel bound to or even when you don't have enough for yourself. These boundaries cause unhealthy close relationships because you become enmeshed, lacking the ability to be emotionally independent and be in touch with your own goals, needs, desires and feelings.

Rigid boundaries - seem like the opposite of porous boundaries. They "involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe...a self-protective mechanism meant to build distance". Interestingly, people who enforce these boundaries usually have a fear of vulnerability or a history of having been taken advantage of, so they stick to their boundaries even when healthy alternatives are available to them. Examples include; cutting people out and enforcing strict rules as a way to discourage people from asking you for anything, building walls, not opening up to anyone, having high expectations of others and avoiding opportunities for vulnerability. Rigid boundaries are unhealthy and they lead to a whole load of problems if not effectively addressed.

Healthy boundaries - "are when your past doesn't show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication". Examples include; agreeing to help people when appropriate without causing harm to yourself, confidently and comfortably saying no without apology because it's the best choice to make in the moment, being vulnerable with trustworthy people, being clear about your values and listening to your own opinion. Nedra also says;

Healthy boundaries lead to feeling safe, loved, calm and respected. They are an indication of how you allow people to show up for you and how you show up for others.

Reflecting on the different types of boundaries has been eye opening, I have had and currently have some unhealthy boundaries that I need to work on. Some of these have been enforced because of my own insecurities but others I've used as a safety mechanism to avoid getting hurt again. Either way, they haven't served me well and I owe myself better!🤗

Do you resonate with any of the boundaries described above? Feel free to type away in the comments section below!

For more info on boundaries or all things Nedra Glover Tawwab, click here.

Catch up in the next post!

Chich